It was just yesterday when I said these exact words to my mom: “Food is hard for me.”
Over the past year, I’ve lost around ten pounds, mainly in the last half. At first, I was like, “Cool, I can fit some of my old clothes that I haven’t been able to wear for a few years.” Then I started to feel awful overall as the weight kept vanishing.
It wasn’t because I exercised it off or needed/wanted to lose the weight. From a combination of the symptoms of anxiety and depression, I wasn’t able to bring myself to eat enough food.
I’m still not able to.
When I’m experiencing anxiety, I am so on edge to the point where I feel sick, nauseous, like I will throw up if I eat anything. Who wants to eat food if their body is telling them it will reject nourishment? Luckily, this only happens when anxiety is triggered in me by something specific.
When it’s depression interfering, eating feels like a chore. A chore I sometimes forget to do because it’s not appealing to me.
The latter happens more often and has been the most stressful for me. It took me awhile to realize that this is what was causing the weight loss. I remember how I used to love food. I treasured it, savored it. It hurts my heart to know how drastically this has changed.
I’ve been doing my best to keep a food diary for the past week. That way I can visualize exactly how much I eat each day. I know it will take time for results, but even from a day to day basis I’m not seeing much change.
I feel really lost right now. I know others are lost too or have been lost before with something like this. I hope to return to counseling once I return to my university and work on getting the right medication. But I’m scared. I am so scared. And I’m especially terrified to admit to people this fact (I’ve been good at keeping a good facade ever since elementary school), but I promised myself I would always be honest on this blog.
So if you’ve ever dealt with something like this before or are currently dealing with it, I would love to hear your perspective and if you have a formulated plan to get healthy again.
It’s hard for me to ask for help, but this has gotten to a point where I can’t do this own my own. We can’t do this on our own anymore. Let’s help one another.